Jonah
The Lord spoke Jonah son of Amitai, saying;
“Get up, go to Nineveh, the great city and call out to her (because the city was she), and because their evil has, how should I say, wafted up in front of me.”
So Jonah, obviously, decides to run away to Tarshish (the opposite direction from Nineveh) so that God wouldn’t be all up in his grill. So he went down to Joppa and found a ship bound for Tarshish, Jonah hired her (for the boat was a she) and he went with her, and some sailors, to go to Tarshish to hide from the Lord and his big old face.
However, the Lord threw a great storm over the sea, and the ship, well she was working on a plan to get all smashed up on the rocks.
And the sailors were afraid and each man cried out to his own God and they threw the cargo from the ship to the sea to lighten the load. But Jonah went down to the belly of the ship and lay down and had a little sleep in her, like a little baby in the womb.
And the captain came down and visited him and said to him “what is with you sleepy head? Get up and call out to your God, then perhaps God will think of us and we won’t be destroyed”
And each sailor said to his friend, let’s roll some dice and each number will represent a someone on the boat, and whoever’s name comes up is the person who is to blame for this storm. So they rolled the dice and Jonah’s number came up. Not a good lottery to win.
So they said to him “explain how this evil has landed on us, Who do you work for? Where are you from? What land do your people come from?”
And Jonah said to them “I am a Hebrew and I fear the Lord God of the heavens, who made the soggy sea and the dry land.”
And the men feared with a fearsome fear and they said to him, “what have you done?” because they’d pretty much sussed out that he was running from God’s big old face, and they’d sussed it out mainly because he’d told them that’s what he was doing.
So they said to him “what shall we do with you in order to make the sea hush his noisy face?” because the sea was a he, and because he was getting very stormy by now.
And Jonah said to them “Just chuck me in the sea, so that the sea will hush its face, I know this is all my fault, just chuck me in.”
Even so, the sailors tried to row the boat to safety, but they couldn’t because the storm was getting rougher all the time.
And so they cried out to the Lord, Jonah’s God this time, and they said please Lord do not let us perish with this man, and please don’t let his innocent blood be on our hands just because of what’s gone on between you and him.
So they picked up Jonah and threw him to the sea, and the sea… well he stood still from his raging.
And the men feared a great fear of the Lord, and they sacrificed a sacrifice to the Lord, and they vowed vows.
…So Jonah’s in the water, get’s swallowed by a fish, he sings a little sad song whilst he’s there about getting wrapped up in seaweed, and then the fish pukes him up on a beach.
Again the Lord spoke Jonah son of Amitai, saying;
“Get up and go to Nineveh, the great city and call out against her and call out the proclamation which I am speaking to you.
And Jonah got up and went to Nineveh according to the word of the Lord, and Nineveh was a big city, even to God, it would take you three days to walk around all its streets.
And so Jonah began to do a one day walk around the city, and he called out and said to them “yet forty days and Nineveh will be overthrown.”
And – massive surprise, the men of Nineveh actually trusted God, and they called a fast, and they all wore sackcloth to show they were very sorry, from the oldest to the youngest.
And the word reached the king of Nineveh, and he got up from his throne and he took off his fancy robe and put on sackcloth and he sat on some ashes to show how sorry he was.
And he had these words proclaimed across Nineveh “the man and the beast, the herd and the flock let them not eat anything let them not graze and let them not drink the waters. And the sackcloth will cover the man and the beast, and let them call out to God in strength and let each man turn from his way of evil, and from the violence which is in their hands. Who knows? God may turn and repent, he may turn from his burning anger and maybe we will not perish.”
And God did indeed notice that they had turned from their evil ways, and decided not to destroy them.
Which of course, to Jonah, was somehow a bad thing, a great evil, and he was full of anger. And he prayed to the Lord saying “please Lord, didn’t I say this would happen? That’s why I ran off to Tarshish; I knew that you’d be all kind and gracious and loyal to these people and not punish them for all the evil they’ve done. Why don’t you just take me now, I mean, what’s the point of my life? I’d be better off dead than alive.
And the Lord said “Ah, You’re angry are you? well good for you”
And Jonah went out of the city so that the city wouldn’t be all up in his grill, and he made a little shelter and he sat in her shade (for the shelter was a she) and he hid there so he couldn’t see what was going on in the city.
And the Lord assigned a plant and to grow over Jonah to help shade his head from the hot sun and stop him being a miserable so and so. And Jonah rejoiced on account of the plant, with great rejoicing.
And then God assigned a worm in the rising dawn of the next day and she struck the plant, (for the worm was a she) and the plant withered.
And so it was with the rising of the sun that God assigned an easterly wind, and the sun beat down on Jonah’s head and he felt cross and miserable. And again he said “I’d be better off dead than alive.”
And God said to Jonah “Good for you, you are angry because of the plant, And good for me, I am angry until I see justice. You had pity on that plant, even though you didn’t do anything to make it grow, it came in the night and it went in the night.
Did you think I wouldn’t have pity on Nineveh, the City that even I thought was big; the city which had a population of over 12,000 people, people that didn’t know their left from their right before you turned up and gave them my word? ...And they’ve got cows!"
