An alternative take on the Christmas story



Bethlehem by night 2009 by Sengaska

Matt 2:1-16 (In a parallel universe where time and space got a bit mixed up)

Narrator: After Jesus was born in Bethlehem in Judea, during the time of King Herod, some Islamic Imams arrived in Jerusalem.  They had travelled from Iraq, through war torn Syria and Palestine. They asked some of the locals;  

Imams: “Where is the one who has been born king of the Jews? We saw his star when it rose and have come to worship him.”

to which the locals replied,

Locals: "I'm sorry, are you crazy people? Perhaps I misheard you because of your strange foreign accent, but it sounded like you said you followed a star, and something about some sort of baby-king. Anyway, don't you know we had a census and it showed that we have no more room for any more immigration from the east."

The locals walked away and tweeted the story - followed by an LOL.

Soon after this, King Herod, the actual proper king, not this new fangled baby-star-king, heard about this conversation, because of course he'd been tracking people's emails and social media for information about terrorism, and the tweets about the visitors from Iraq had flagged up as a terrorist plot to overthrow the Herodian leadership. So King Herod shouted to all who would listen;

Herod: "Hey, nobody loves babies more than I do, but look, I can make Israel great again. I'm not a monarch, I'm a king of the people. But this kid can't be king - he just can’t close the deal, he doesn’t care about jobs. He probably wants to get rid of all our guns, he can’t even handle his e-mails. And look, he's being funded by terrorists who are coming illegally into our country.  I will build a wall to keep these people out - and nobody builds walls better than me, believe me. And I build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great wall on our eastern border, and I will make Palestine pay for that wall. Mark my words."

- and with almost no concrete information, he conveniently leaked this version of the story to the press and as a result the good people of Jerusalem shared his shock and dismay. When he had called together all the people's chief priests and teachers of the law, King Herod  said,

Herod: "I don't like these kind of people coming here, and I don't like it when baby kings are mean to me and try to stop me being king. Do we know where the Messiah was supposed to be born?"

they replied,

Priests: “In Bethlehem in Judea, for this is what the prophet has written:

“‘But you, Bethlehem, in the land of Judah,
    are by no means least among the rulers of Judah;
for out of you will come a ruler
    who will shepherd my people Israel.'”

Then Herod called the Imams secretly and found out from them the exact time the star had appeared. He sent them to Bethlehem and said,

Herod: “Go look for the kid. Soon as you find him, give me a call so I can... show my respect.”

After the Imams had heard the king, they went on their way, and the star they had seen when it rose went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was. When they saw the star, they were overjoyed.

On coming to the house, the Imams saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold, frankincense and myrrh.

The Imams asked where the father was and Mary replied,

Mary: "Oh, Joseph, he'll be in the inn, probably arguing about religion and politics."

So on their way out of town, they went to congratulate him. But he said to them,

Joseph: "Thanks, but I have little to celebrate, this child will bring about political turmoil in a time already too full with tension. I can already see the locals looking at you with suspicion, because you're not from round here - even though many of them haven't lived here for ages.

We used to celebrate the foreigner in our land and treat them as our own, but since the Romans took over, we've got more and more nervous about people who are different. Rome has helped many people, but hurt many more.

Our country is calling for independence from Rome, but not because  they want to lift the oppression from the people that Rome has hurt, but because they think they can be stronger without them – seems like nonsense to me.

I can see a time of trouble coming, war and destruction. God will bring about eternal peace though my son Jesus - but I doubt I'll see any of it in my lifetime."

Imams: "But you are a good strong man of God, you will find a way through this."

Joseph: "I will do what I can, but most of it is out of my hands. Mary was the one whom God trusted with bringing the Messiah into the world and it's that child back at the flat who will turn the world upside down. Can you imagine that? A world transformed by a woman and a little child; a woman and a child - and we strong men, for all we have learned, are powerless."

Having an ounce of common sense the Imams decided not to go back to Herod, as clearly he was a little strange, so they returned to their country by another route.

When the Imams had gone, a man in the pub, one of the local sheep farmers, spoke to Joseph and said;

Shepherd: "You need to get out of here, Herod's just been quoted on the news, apparently he held a rally tonight and said that he's kicking all the Muslims and illegal immigrants out of the country,  and he's planning to detain anyone associated with the terrorist threat in Bethlehem - including small children."

So, Joseph took the child and his mother and escaped to Egypt. Where they stayed in a refugee camp alongside many fleeing the war in Syria. They stayed there until Herod died.